Late Night Musings from a Tired Mama

October 17, 2020

In one week I start the hardest adventure of my journey as a mother. I have heard so many people say things like, “He is going to be okay” and “He will get through this”. Faith! I’ve been asked many times, “Are you ready?”. No, I’m not ready…BUT GOD!

I’m Not Ready…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to walk into a hospital room that will be my new home for the next two to three months…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch my children say goodbye to each other for what could be the last time…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to not be able to hug and kiss and snuggle my two oldest children for months…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to miss big events in their lives like losing their first tooth or learning to read…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch my youngest child, so full of pure joy, deteriorate before my eyes…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch helplessly as my two year old son gets sick over and over again each time he receives chemo…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch the grave position of health he has to be in so he can be healed…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to make him sick to make him better…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch and hope and pray that his little body doesn’t reject the transplant…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch my baby boy go through or experience any of the side effects or complications from the medicines he will be receiving…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch his hair fall out…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to watch him get super thin or super bloated from the chemo he has to endure…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to hold my breath until we hit each milestone and goal…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready to hear him cry for his brother and sister because he misses them…BUT GOD!
I’m not ready for this test of my faith…BUT GOD!

I haven’t always been the strongest person when it comes to my faith in God. It has faltered, I’ll admit. But He never has once. God has not, even for a second, faltered in His love, guidance, and provision for my life. He has been my constant. My steadfast Rock getting me through every single storm that I have weathered in my life. There has been many of them. The hardest one being this current storm of my precious little boy’s fight against Diamond Blackfan Anemia. I know the storm is about to get worse and I am not ready for it. But my faith in God is ready to weather this storm and meet it head on, eyes fix on Him and stepping one foot in front of the other without ever looking down and carry my son through to the other side. I, as just a mother, may not be ready to endure any of this adventure. However, I, as a mother who has faith that God is able, am ready to see His handiwork in this adventure and reach the other side.

Two songs that have always been favorites of mine are:

Step of Faith by Carman (This has always been on my play lists since I was a teenager. It’s chorus really speaks to me about what true, tangible faith is)
Above the noise, I hear the voice
Of God givin’ the choice for me to say
I do believe and will receive
Within the heart of me the seed of faith

He does accept a baby step
As long as I have kept His word inside
But Jesus knows that I must grow
And tells me I must go ahead and try
Well, all right, okay, I guess it’s up, up and away

I’m takin’ a step, takin’ a step of faith
Walkin’ out on the promises God made
Takin’ a giant leap in the air

Steppin’ out on nothin’ and findin’ somethin’ there
Tellin’ the doubt to wait, wait, wait, wait
I’m takin’ a step of faith

It turns me out to think I’d doubt
Someone with so much clout from up above
And yet I see the way that He
Can work with me and do it all in love

The past is gone, the future’s long
And I need someone strong to help me through
I’m ready now to take the vow
And see just what the power of God can do
Well, all right, okay, I guess it’s up, up and away

I’m takin’ a step, takin’ a step of faith
Walkin’ out on the promises God made
Takin’ a giant leap in the air

Steppin’ out on nothin’ and findin’ somethin’ there
Tellin’ the doubt to wait, wait, wait, wait
I’m takin’ a step of faith

Take that step now
Keep goin’, the left, the right, heel, toe, heel toe
Well, all right, okay, I guess I’ll ride this horse away

I’m takin’ a step, takin’ a step of faith
Walkin’ out on the promises God made
Takin’ a giant leap in the air
Steppin’ out on nothin’ and findin’ somethin’ there

Tellin’ the doubt to wait, I’m takin’ a step of faith
Step of faith, step of faith
Living for the Lord, trusting in His care
Steppin’ out on nothin’ and findin’ somethin’ there

Walking with the Lord, stepping in the light
Living by faith and not by sight

He’s My Son by Mark Schultz (I used to think it was odd to find so much comfort from this one because the first time I heard it was when I was in my teens. But little did I know the reason for it being so near and dear to my heart)
I’m down on my knees again tonight
I’m hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there’s a boy that needs your help
I’ve done all that I can do myself

His mother is tired
I’m sure You can understand
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in and holds his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel alright?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow
You see he’s not just anyone
He’s My Son

Sometimes late at night
I watch him sleep
I dream of the boy he’d like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You.

Let him grow old
Live life without this fear
What would I be
Living without him here
He’s so tired and he’s so scared
Let me know that you’re there

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
He’s My Son

T. Minnick